Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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