checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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