I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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