that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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