already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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