She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
