Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Who died my cat blue again?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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