Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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