i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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