My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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