be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
