Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
