awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
