he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
