I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
