are you still at the devil's house?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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