i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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