Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
