Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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