Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
