Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
