i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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