Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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