I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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