Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
