I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why is your signature on my underwear?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
