I accidentally burped into my bong.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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