if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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