While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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