chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
