I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
