did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
