worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
