I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
