I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
