i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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