I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
