I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
