he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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