Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
