Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
