I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
