you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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