My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He shit in the fireplace
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
