There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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