We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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