if i can run in heels then i can drive
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
