She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
