Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
