sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
