I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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