im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The best revenge is premature balding
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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