I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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