Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
