For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
