I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
