I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my shit smells like andre
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
